I'm Not in Control of my Life, Nor Should I Want to

I'm not a big novel reader, so it's been a long time since I read an actual book. I mostly read articles, blog posts, and devotionals. But, I had this book on my desk for about a year called "A Love Rekindled" part of the Love Inspired Series by Margaret Daley. I started reading a few chapters, liked it but put it down. I found it the other week and determined to finish it.

It's the story of a woman whose life has been turned upside down by several circumstances of life and her efforts to rebuild it. I don't want to tell you much more in case you want to get the book and read it yourself. I just want to touch on some things from it that for me stuck out like a sore thumb.

The main character, who shares my name Kim, liked being in control of her life. In fact, she took the responsibility of being the "anchor" in the family keeping herself strong and together for everyone else. She hardly let her emotions get away from her and with the disappointments she went through, she tried even harder to maintain her control until finally reaching a turning point.

Part of her problem was unforgiveness and the same with me.

As I kept reading, I realized that I am very much like her. My mom was a single parent, I raised my own brother, went to work at age 13, cooked dinners around that same time, took on chores as well as studied hard. No time for childhood things. I grew up fast and I prided myself on being able to handle my own life. I didn't want help from anyone. I was used to depending on me. Much of that was because I had been so deeply hurt as a child. Never being wanted by my father had a lot to do with me keeping my feelings inside. One failed relationship after another didn't help either.

Part of her problem was unforgiveness and the same with me. I had to forgive my father for not wanting me in his life. I blamed myself for being born and I tried to die many times. God had other plans for me. And many times I asked, "why doesn't he want me?", "why did I have to born like this?", "what did I do wrong?" One of the characters in this book, answered it this way..."sometimes there are no definitive answers to questions like that." He's right. Only God knows how to help us move and live on. What Kim realized is that she's not in control. Life changes and sometimes very fast and often unexpectedly. It's tiresome trying to control how things work out, trying to get things to be our way. It eats up all your strength.

You guys, I'm tired. Really tired.

The next thing I got from this book was to just "let go". Quit fighting losing battles. What I mean by this is, if I can't do anything to change a situation, then commit it to prayer and let God handle it. The reality is I can't change how people act, I can't make them show me respect. I can't change the rules governing why we couldn't qualify for a house. I can't stop illnesses and hurts from attacking my friends and family.

You guys, I'm tired. Really tired. And I believe God had me to finish this book at this time for a reason. There are people right now who have lost everything in Harvey and now here is Irma. I don't know if I could go through that and stay sane. It makes me put things into perspective. And it made me think, really hard. It's funny how God can speak to us, through other people, the Bible, a sermon, or even a book. I can't let what happens in life threaten my life. From here on in, I'm letting go. I can't say that it will be easy for a control fanatic like me, but I know I must do it. I know that is what God is trying to teach me... to let Him have the control and just see where He leads me. No matter how tumultuous things get, I have His blessed assurance that He will be with me through it all.

Let me know if you can relate to what I'm feeling by commenting below!

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